Nobody “made” you do it…

April 24, 2007 | Filed Under The Heartless Bitch Way | 15 Comments

Was it just me or did anyone else find the media circus around the Virginia Tech shootings to be just sickening? You could see all the news organizations slavering over the massacre like they’d just found a free all-you-can-eat buffet. It was almost as bad as the 9-11 feeding frenzy.

I refused to watch the “videos” that Cho sent. I saw a short clip on the news and then turned it off. I did, however, read some excerpts from them. Aside from his obvious mental health issues, it struck me that his attitude was a heaping serving of “avoiding any responsibility for your own feelings and behavior”, with a generous double-scoop of “entitlement” for dessert. “They” made him do it. He was driven to it. He deserved better. He should get what he wants regardless of his own behavior.

Abusive husbands give the same reasons for hitting their wives.

Unfortunately, we seem to have created a culture of responsibility-avoidants who want to have their self-pity cake and eat it too. I’m not sure when it started, but it seems that this truly is the “blame somebody else” generation. We’ve elevated self-pity to a cult-like status. Instead of kicking people in the ass and telling them to get over themselves, they are told they are all special and that they deserve whatever they desire.

Cho acted like a freak and then complained about his perceived treatment by others. Yeah, he was an extreme-case nutbar, but how many people out there do exactly the same thing, only to a lesser degree? They seldom look in the mirror when trying to assess why their lives and relationships are fucked up. My mother used to say, “If you have a problem with one or two people, fine. Maybe it’s a personality conflict – it happens. But if you have a problem with a whole bunch of people and you can’t seem to get along with anyone, well, the only common denominator is YOU, and you have to look at your own behavior and what you are doing to affect your relationships with others.”

My mother kind of reminds me of Maestra in Fierce Invalids Home from Hot Climates by Tom Robbins. Through Maestra, Robbins captured the essence of what I have long believed to be true about depression and self-pity:

Switters was instantly reminded of something Maestra had said almost twenty years before:

“All depression has its roots in self-pity, and all self-pity is rooted in people taking themselves too seriously.” At the time, Switters had disputed her assertion. Even at seventeen, he was aware that depression could have its chemical causes.“The key word here is ROOTS,” Maestra had countered. “The ROOTS of depression. For most people, self-awareness and self-pity blossom simultaneously in early adolescence. It’s about that time that we start viewing the world as something other than a whoop-de-doo playground, we start to experience personally how threatening it can be, how cruel and unjust. At the very moment when we become, for the first time, both introspective and socially conscientious, we receive the bad news that the world, by and large, doesn’t give a rat’s ass.

Even an old tomato like me can recall how painful, scary, and disillusioning that realization was. So, there’s a tendency, then, to slip in to rage and self-pity, which, if indulged, can fester into bouts of depression.”

“Yeah, but, Maestra –”

“Don’t interrupt. Now, unless someone stronger and wiser — a friend, a parent, a novelist, a filmmaker, teacher or musician — can josh us out of it, can elevate us and show us how petty and pompous and monumentally USELESS it is to take ourselves so seriously, then depression can become a habit, which, in turn, can produce a neurological chemical imprint. Are you with me? Gradually, our brain chemistry becomes conditioned to react to negative stimuli in a particular, predictable way. One thing’ll go wrong and it’ll automatically switch on its blender and mix us that black cocktail, the ol’ doomsday daiquiri, and before we know it, we’re soused to the gills from the inside out. Once depression has become electrochemically integrated, it can be extremely difficult to philosophically or psychologically overrride it; by then it’s playing by physical rules, a whole different ball game. That’s why, Switters my dearest, every time you’ve shown signs of feeling sorry for yourself, I’ve played my blues records really loud or read to you from The Horse’s Mouth. And that’s why when you’ve exhibited the slightest tendency toward self-importance, I’ve reminded you that you and me– you and I: excuse me — may be every bit as important as the President or the pope or the biggest prime-time icon in Hollywood, but that none of us is much more than a pimple on the ass-end of creation, so let’s not get carried away with ourselves. Preventative medicine boy. It’s preventative medicine.”

“But what about self-esteem?”

“Heh! Self-esteem is for sissies. Accept that you’re a pimple and try to keep a lively sense of humor about it. That way lies grace– and maybe even glory.

All the while that his grandmother was assuring him that he was merely a cosmic zit, she was also exhorting him never to accept the limitations that society would try to place on him. Contradictory? Not necessarily. It seemed to be her belief that one individual’s spirit could supersede, eclipse, and outsparkle the entire disco ball of history, but that if you magnified the pure spark of spirit through the puffy lens of ego, you risked burning a hole in your soul. Or something roughly similar.

The problem with society today, is that we INDULGE that self-pity, rage and depression. It’s cool to be depressed. You get attention that way, right? Instead of encouraging children to be the best they can be, it seems too many people simply imbue their kids with a sense of entitlement without any expectation of the hard work it takes to make your way in the world. We tell them they can have anything, BE anything they want, but we neglect to tell them that those things might take real work and effort, and that sometimes shit happens. It should all be easy, right? And if it’s not, then somebody else must be to blame.

I think it’s pretty clear that I’m not one to put up with people blaming someone else (or circumstance) for their choices. I wouldn’t accept that kind of behavior from my kids, even when they were quite young. I remember when my sons were 7 and 8. In the midst of some kind of argument the oldest hauled off and hit his younger brother. After separating them and getting two different stories, I managed to piece together some semblance of the truth. The youngest was bugging his older brother, and pushing his buttons. My oldest was ADAMANT that his brother made him lash out with his fist, “He should have known that when he bugs me like that, I’m going to hit him! He made me do it!”

“Oh”, I said, “So he grabbed your hand and hit himself with it? Is that what happened? Because that’s the only way I know of that he could MAKE you hit him.”

“No”, he replied sullenly, “But he KNEW.”

“The truth is that you CHOSE to hit him. Nobody MADE you. Yes, he was deliberately bugging you and winding you up. He’s not innocent in this, but you had other choices besides hitting him.”

“I didn’t have any other choices! He made me!”

“I think you need to sit here and think about what other choices you DID have, and when you can tell me at least 3, you can come downstairs again.”

He burst into tears, refusing to admit that there could have been another way, so I left him on the stairs to contemplate his options

It took about 10 minutes, but he finally called out in a wavering voice, “I’m ready to talk about my choices now, Mom.”

Over the years, if there is one thing I have hammered on them, it is that THEY are the masters of their own destiny. They choose, and they are responsibile for their choices.

They also know that they don’t have a free pass and instant right to whatever their heart desires. They have the right to work hard for what they want out of life, and if it doesn’t come their way, then they have the ability to choose to do something else.

My youngest was the subject of some bullying in junior high school. He didn’t want me to intervene with the school (in many cases, that unfortunately makes it worse), but we had many talks about what things he might be doing to set himself up. I told him that nobody can make him feel inferior without his consent – that he has to figure out why he cares about things said by people he doesn’t like or respect. At the time he didn’t want to acknowledge that he might actually have some part to play in making himself a target, and in choosing to feel upset, but underneath it all, I think he knew the truth. I have to wonder if that doubt – that crack in his self-pity was the beginning of him finding his footing and learning to not be bothered by the opinions of people who don’t matter. It was a rough time, and I was worried about him, but I also trusted in him figuring things out for himself, with some guidance on the home front.

By the end of high school, he’d had a change of environment and was doing just fine socially, and we talked about that earlier time. He told me he looked back and realized that he very much brought it on himself. “I totally understand now what I was doing that was just messed up.” Yeah, there were guys that were assholes, but there were also things he could have done differently. His whole attitude about acceptance and friendship changed in high school, and it showed. He had a new-found self-confidence and independence.

That Cho was mentally ill was unquestionable. Kids can be cruel – especially to outsiders, but it seems that Cho went out of his way to marginalize himself in order to prop up his hatred and sense of alienation, and I wonder if anyone important in his life really did anything to challenge that warped perspective. He occupied the extreme end of the self-pity spectrum, but stop and ask yourself if you don’t see some of his attitudes and responsibility avoidance cropping up in your life or the lives of those you know.

Hindsight is always 20-20, but in this case we will never know if anything could have been done to prevent these murders. However, if people used this as an opportunity to examine their own attitudes and behaviors, and especially to examine what they teach their children about responsibility and entitlement, perhaps those deaths won’t be completely meaningless.

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15 comments so far

Maxine April 24, 2007 5:00 am

I agree with you completely in regards to the self-pity epidemic. My generation is addicted to self-pity, and if you even try to tell them this they’re insulted and deny it. I’m far from perfect in this regard, but I’m sick of making myself feel like shit about life, and myself and I’m trying to quit self-pity. I’ve been bullied a lot and sometimes I was asking for it to feed “poor little me” (I wouldn’t admit it though), and other times I don’t know what the hell I did to bring it on. Maybe they were just assholes feeding their own egos. That’s not really important though, I let myself be a victim and that’s not what I want to be. Thankfully I have the power to change it. I know that having been bullied doesn’t give me permission to be an asshole. In fact it gives me a reason not to be.

This line gave me a realization on my current situation, “They have the right to work hard for what they want out of life, and if it doesn’t come their way, then they have the ability to choose to do something else.” Well, I’ve worked my way and I got what I thought I wanted. Key word being thought, so I’d been pitying myself for my bad luck, wishing I’d chosen differently, instead of saying, “Sometimes things don’t work out, but at least you’ve got some good experience out of this.”

I’m curious to know more about what you mean about making yourself a target though. I don’t think you’re talking having “weird” likes, because a) you’re one of the last people who I’d expect to say conform, and b) the solution to that goes with what you said about not caring about what other people think. Learning to say “I like ___. You don’t, that’s OK, but you’re an idiot for thinking there’s something wrong with me for liking ___.” Do you mean wanting things to feed their “poor little me”?

Thank you for writing this, it’s too bad for everyone that Cho didn’t ever get something like this.
Natalie P. April 24, 2007 9:27 am

>I’m curious to know more about what you
>mean about making yourself a target
>though. … Do you mean wanting things
>to feed their “poor little me”?

What I mean, is being *needy* – being approval seeking, and letting people get to you. That desperation for friends or acceptance shows and the bullies make you a target. It shows in your face and your body language. It’s like blood in the water for the bully sharks.

On the subject of standing out from the crowd:

I have no problem with people who want to act or dress differently than the crowd – in certain cases I encourage it. But do so with the understanding and _acceptance_ that not everyone is going to like or accept it or you. The world isn’t a warm group hug. Don’t set yourself apart from the crowd and then FUCKING WHINE and WHINGE about how marginalized you are. If you choose to live life on the fringes, then choose to be happy there.

For example, my son (and his best friend) both had long hair because they wanted to be in a band. However, they also both wanted to get jobs because the whole band thing wasn’t going anywhere fast and they lived in a small, conservative town.

They finally realized that putting food in their mouths was more important, so they both got haircuts and got hired. They accepted the facts, decided what was most important to them, sucked it up, and did what was required.
Kimberly April 25, 2007 8:10 am

Hi Natalie. Yeah, the media has once again turned this tragedy into a three-ring circus. This Cho was a psychopath and although his parents appeared to have given him a good start in life, someone with this mentality is supposedly not treatable, according to psychological studies/research. The cry of the psychopath is “he made me do it” or “it isn’t my fault.” They never take responsibility for their attitude/behavior/actions. I just hope people wake up to the RED FLAGS that people like Cho are throwing and stop feeling sorry for these fuckwits. These people are insiduous, smart and deceitful which makes them dangerous and often times hard to identify as a potential threat to society.

Being a parent, if my son was behaving like this Cho, (not speaking on a regular basis and displaying anti-social behavior) I surely would not just write it off as “oh, he’s just a shy kid.” Hell no! Yes, kids get bullied and they pick on each other because kids lack the maturity to handle their differences. It is what parents and other adults around these children do about it that counts. I don’t buy into the “kids will be kids” saying. It should be more like “kids will be whatever the parents allow them to get away with or otherwise ignore in the home.” However, when dealing with a psychopathic child, extreme measures should be taken. I think it is just parental ignorance/denial most of the time.

It’s just a damn shame that it takes a tragedy like the events at VA Tech for people to wake the fuck up. It seems that the laws allow people to be a psychopath or mentally unhealthy as long as they aren’t going around killing people. In other words, Cho’s odd, psychopathic behavior BEFORE the shootings as pointed out by former classmates, family, professors and now, psychological experts, is not against the law or otherwise protected by privacy laws.
Anonymous April 25, 2007 9:01 am

I get concerned with all the la-la child raising going on by parents. I also get concerned about the educational system.

It’s not true that children should only feel good about themselves all the time. It’s not true that children should consider themselves the center of the universe.

This simply creates spoiled people who cannot deal with the realities of the world… a world that doesn’t give a damn about them.

While not a happy lesson, it is a lesson that is best learned as soon as possible.
Roz April 25, 2007 10:20 am

Well said, and this was a very well-written editorial on the past week’s event. Cho was “Coo-Coo for Cocoa Puffs”, but he was also a coward, and manipulative. He caused people to tiptoe around him, and give him his space while he intruded on others. He was intrusive by attending classes he had no intention of participating in, and causing instructors and students to be uncomfortable, living in spaces without even speaking to roommates and making them feel like they had to handle him with kid gloves, and when he could go no further he exploded.

This is sad, but the accountability and responsibility for this event rests with Cho, and unfortunately he took the coward’s way out. We take back the power he held by getting on with life, and teaching reponsibility and accountability. Again, well done with the editorial!
marzena April 25, 2007 9:51 pm

I really like reading your blogs, they are always empowering and emphasizing self responsibility. This is absolutely lacking in the culture today, which is saturated with ‘quick fixes’, ‘make me feel good solutions’, instant gratification, life without responsibility… etc. It’s really pathetic.

I would just like to say that it’s not always very clear-cut how much we are able to figure out on our own and to what extent we need help before we can act responsibly and maturely. Even from my own example, I know that I was often whiny and expecting others to do things for me, although I’m not a self-pitying person. I wasn’t like that by conscious choice, but rather – by lack of a different known to me choice. This is a childhood behavior and if we are not guided properly at some points or aren’t shown good role models, it can take a lot of time and effort before we learn these things on our own. Sure, it’s our job to learn whatever we missed out on, but I wouldn’t condemn everybody who makes a mistake.

I also wouldn’t so clearly define depression, as you did. It is NOT a disease based on self-pity. True, sometimes we contribute with our attitude to worsening the illness, but there is much, much more to that then just lack of personal responsibility. There is already enough social stigma on mentally ill people, which also goes for depressed people and making such statements (that it’s a disease based on self pity) only makes it worse for those people to seek treatment and help.
I know tons of examples of people who by any means would never fit in the category of being self-pitying, but yet, they are depressed.
Natalie P. April 26, 2007 12:22 am

I don’t deny that there are chemical-imbalance issues in rare cases, (and I’m not talking about postpartum or bipolar people who suffered abuse as children because those are a whole other class), but I can’t believe that our “epidemic” of depression is anything but institutionalized (and commercialized)self-pity. Antidepressants are the most prescribed class of drugs in the US and Canada. Like Maestra said, I think most depression has it’s _ROOTS_ in self-pity.

We clearly have different experiences, because everyone I have known who was suffering from “clinical depression” was WALLOWING in self-pity. Even the bi-polar person I knew used her condition as an attention getting device and an excuse for acting like an ass.

As for “condemning people for making mistakes”, I most certainly don’t (unless they are blatantly stupid ones), however, I don’t support people repeatedly fucking up their lives and blaming their parents or they way they were raised for their sorry state. At some point you have to step up to the “adult” plate and take responsibility for your behavior.

Remember, as Cynthia Heimel said, “There is nothing more dangerous than someone who thinks of himself as a victim. Victims think it is within their rights to fuck everyone else over.”
Momo April 26, 2007 10:27 pm

Disclaimer: Yes, I know that there are people out there who take drugs for behavioral therapy. I am not talking about the people who need them, I am talking about how we are starting to resemble a B horror movie in which everyone becomes brainwashed. The brain is a big blob of electrified jello, so there’s bound to be crap that can go wrong. I know people whose SSRIs are as necessary as insulin. If you are a person who wishes to project your insecurities on me by calling me Tom Cruise, I assure you that it is falling on deaf ears.

As a member of the Ritalin/Prozac generation whose parents tried to utilize a “quick fix” via a legalized drug pusher, er, quack psychiatrist, I can attest to this “Poor me,” mindset being dangerous and self-destructive.

If the oil light goes off in a car, the logical thing to do would to fill the car with more oil, right? With psychiatry, the mode of action is to disconnect the oil light, thereby getting rid of the symptoms. The underlying problem is still there. This generation (and its lazy, idealistic parents) not only wants a quick fix, but also just want to smooth things over rather than fix the real underlying issues, or can’t fathom that their little idealized family fantasies aren’t coming true. I’ll spare the story of my teenage life, but let’s just say that I was the one expected to change when my parents were just as messed up and in chin-deep denial about it. I later when to an honest psychiatrist who saw that I wasn’t bipolar, just pissed off. He gradually withdrew me from all the medications and sent me to counseling, which really solved my underlying problems. My parents are another story. Without having me to blame for their existing problems, they are back to finding other scapegoats as outlets for their issues. Their problems, not mine.

I do believe in mental illness, and like Natalie, I believe that it is nowhere as common as Merck and Pfizer make it out to be. Too many people automatically get this fatalist attitude of, “Oh, it’s a chemical disorder, I’m entitled to having emotional diarrhea and only pills can cure me.” I do agree that mental illness and depression are illnesses. However, I also think that it should be seen like other illnesses, namely diabetes. Diabetics cannot control their blood sugar. However, there are things that they CAN control. Sometimes, like with type II, all it takes is behavior and lifestyle modifications like diet and exercise. In type I and more severe cases, insulin is necessary, and they can’t help it. However, the people who need insulin are still responsible for their diets. The little shot doesn’t cure everything. While the physiological functions are beyond their control, they can still take responsibility and actions to take control of the situation. Depressed people can likewise take control of their situations with behavioral therapy and if necessary, medicine. The people who just wallow in self pity, lash out at others, and take no responsibility are no different from the diabetics who continue to eat pie and ice cream, have severe health problems, and scream that they’re going to sue the doctor because they need to get their gangrenous extremities amputated even though it’s their own damned fault.
Natalie P. April 27, 2007 10:59 pm

I fully agree Momo. I’m not anti-drug therapy – hell my oldest was on dexedrine for several years because he had severe attention and learning problems. But we didn’t just use the medication -there was behavioral therapy, remedial classes in simple things like handwriting and organizational skills, so that eventually he wouldn’t need it.
The medication was a last resort and was not a quick-fix for a problem child.

And I *never* let him use his disability as an excuse. I told him it just meant he had to work harder than some people at some things but that was true for everyone. Nobody is a wizard at everything.

I’ll never judge a parent with respect to the choice to put a child on medication – I’ve been there and I’ve read the stories from parents who have ADHHHHHD kids, and I wouldn’t trade places with them for a second. However, when it comes to depression, I see too many people taking pills, looking for an easy fix, and never doing the work to get at the cause of the problem. And after a while, the pills stop being as effective as they were.

Yes, there is mental illness, but I’m tired of the medical community coming up with yet another “disorder” for a common feeling that people should just fucking deal with, so that they can push more pills.

Just this week I heard about some psychotherapist defining a new disorder for people who are pissed off at their company and work: Post Traumatic Embitterment Disorder. For fucks sake. A DISORDER? Give me a break.
marzena April 28, 2007 3:00 pm

Thank you for your comments, what you said is also my opinion about illnesses versus responsibility. In my previous comment, I wanted to clarify that not ALL mental problems are solely due to self-pity (which seemed to be implied in the blog). I felt that this clarification was needed for those people out there who truly need help (be it therapy or medication or both) but feel too afraid of public opinion to actually seek it.
Honestly, I haven’t met anybody who was taking anti-depressants as an attention getting device and I have more experience with judgment and discrimination against people who have a mental illness. I’m sure though that there are such people out there and they need a completely different type of help.
Momo April 28, 2007 11:28 pm

Mentally illnesses are not solely derived from self pity. The roots may have nothing to do with and voluntary emotions. However, whether or not you can control it, what you decide DO ABOUT IT determines how good or bad it gets. You can try to control it, or you can let it control you. Self-pity isn’t the only thing that makes mental illness so bad, it can also be denial, fear of public image, lack of resources (fuck you very much, USA healthcare system), or other things.
marzena May 4, 2007 12:51 pm

If it’s ok, I’d like to share a link to a video with commentary of Jackson Katz (an anti-sexist activist) to the VT shooting:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6rG0M9Y6GuI

He comments on a different aspect of the tragedy (then Natalie did) but he makes a great point.
Jodie May 8, 2007 12:40 am

Amen, sister!

Thank you so much for eloquently putting into words the thoughts that have been bouncing between my ears since the shootings happened.
Milferd Jones May 19, 2007 9:32 pm

Good comments especially for avoiding and dealing with mild to moderate depression. I agree current society is increasing the occurrence of depression. I agree self pity is a major trait of depression

As others have mentioned there can be a genetic or other physical causes as well.

From my study and experience major depression can drag you into the self-pity hole against your will. This is most demonstrated when a self confidant adult who does not indulge in much if any self pity falls in to major depression from a genetic cause, brain injury, postpartum, major physical injury and/or surgery, PTSD and other causes. Then the formally well adjusted person will wallow in self pity but trying to talk them out it will almost always fail. Here the self pity, and other negative traits of depression are the disease warping the minds way of thinking in some ways similar to the type of thinking caused by paranoid delusions.

Summery of my opinion/observations. Self-pity and other negative thinking can cause the chemical changes of depression. Changes in the brain as I listed above can cause depression that then causes the self-pity and other negative thinking of depression. Both can occur at the same time. This is an example of a nature vs. nurture debate that in my humble option most often is lots of both are involved.
Jay Stewart August 5, 2007 9:21 am

Depression is not something I like to wallow around in. There is nothing glorious about it and given the choice between wallowing in it and working through it? I choose the latter. Maybe it is the British Bulldog in me? People thought it was strange when I was 12,that I was not sad about my grandfather died. Because I said he was in a better place now and he is not suffering anymore. His death was a relief to us because he had been fading away for so long. I think the Brothers Young from AC/DC when losing Bon Scott to an all-night drinking binge, for most bands that would have been the end. The Young brothers decided to deal with their depression by getting a new singer and became bigger then ever.

I dealt with my share bullies and I grew up in a tougher neighbourhood then most people. Jersey City is as tough as it gets. People are amazed about how gentle, nuturing, sweet and femme I am. Being that it was tough for me, I decided I wanted to live my adult life being who I really am. But I can still be a bitch when provoked. I only act like a bitch when I have to. I did not become an asshole, in fact my experiences have made me want to help others and I try to do so. Because in the process of growing up? I met a lot of caring people who were a help to me and I am grateful, so I do the same not because I expect a reward, but because it is the right thing to do. Help is there if you want it. Yeah it sucks people can be jerks. But I became myself because I was determined not to be beaten down and claiming my true indentity? I didn’t get defeated.

Nobody “made” you do it…

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